WASHINGTON
In an unprecedented move, the Department of Justice (DOJ) has ruled that monogamous relationships are now in violation of antitrust laws due to their 'anti-competitive' and monopolistic nature. Attorney General Merrick Garland, in a press conference that could only be described as a love letter to legal absurdity, announced, “For too long, one man and one woman have been hoarding each other’s affections, creating an unfair market for love. This has led to an emotional market failure, reducing societal competition and stifling the romantic economy.”
He specifically referenced the case of John and Jane Doe, stating, “John Doe has enjoyed an exclusive partnership with Jane Doe, effectively blocking the market for other potential partners. This has not only caused other men to feel left out but has also decreased the competition for them to find partners. Hence, I am ordering the Does to either dissolve their union or open it up to a polygamous arrangement. Additionally, to foster transparency and fairness, John and Jane must now disclose their deepest, darkest secrets to any potential suitors wishing to enter into a relationship with either of them. This ensures that everyone has an equal chance at winning their hearts.”
The reaction from the public was swift and varied. Jane Doe, in a tearful response, argued, "My love for John isn't some stock to be traded on Wall Street!" Meanwhile, relationship experts have begun debating the implications, with some predicting an uptick in group therapy sessions and others warning of a potential 'emotional bankruptcy' among the populace.
At reporting time, one of Garland's aides had to remind him, amidst the chaos, that marriage isn't exclusively between men and women, prompting a hurried clarification that the policy must apply universally to all partnerships, regardless of gender.
Comments
Post a Comment