SHOCKING: Troop Of Girls Takes School Bathroom

 










RIVERDALE HIGH, USA – 


The quiet calm of fourth-period geometry was shattered yesterday when junior Avery Thompson, Commander-in-Chief of Riverdale High’s famed “Bathroom Battalion,” initiated a daring restroom excursion, mobilizing a small but elite force of teenage girls.

    The mission began at precisely 10:42 AM, when Thompson raised her hand and uttered the universally recognized battle cry: “Can I go to the bathroom?” Approval was granted by an unknowing Mr. Cliffton, who is reportedly still recovering from the aftermath.

    “Within seconds of her request being granted, the operation was underway,” Cliffton said. “I thought I’d allowed one student to leave, but then... they just kept standing up. One by one. It was like watching troops load into helicopters.

    The initial squadron included Chloe Benson (Lieutenant of Lip Gloss Logistics) and Maddie Ellis (Chief Strategist of Boy Drama Intelligence). Additional reinforcements joined along the way, bringing the total force to an impressive twelve operatives by the time the battalion reached the north hallway restroom.

A Tightly Run Operation

Witnesses reported that Avery led her troops with precision, employing advanced hand signals, synchronized hair flips, and the occasional loud whisper of “Stay close—we don’t want to run into Rachel’s group.”

“Chloe was the first to breach the restroom perimeter,” said sophomore Ashley Klein, who was caught in the crossfire. “She immediately claimed the prime mirror spot, while Maddie flanked the stalls to provide overwatch. It was so coordinated, I thought I’d stumbled into a military drill.”

Inside, the squad executed a multi-pronged assault:

  • Stall Reconnaissance: Ensuring no rival groups had occupied strategic stalls.
  • Mirror Domination: Establishing superiority over the sink area for selfies and lip gloss reapplication.
  • Intel Exchange: Sharing critical updates on who was talking to whom and whether Josh’s breakup with Taylor was official-official yet.

    One freshman operative, clearly shaken but eager to prove herself, was overheard nervously asking, “Do you think my hair looks okay?” Reports confirm she received encouragement from Lieutenant Benson in the form of an eye-roll and a curt “You’re fine. Move.”

Escalation with Rival Factions

Tensions reached a boiling point when a rival faction—led by senior Rachel Kim—attempted to enter the restroom mid-mission.

“They just stood there, glaring at each other,” said junior eyewitness Lisa Howard. “It was like the cafeteria standoff all over again. You could feel the tension.”

Thompson reportedly neutralized the threat by deploying a classic deflection tactic: loudly complaining about the soap dispensers while rallying her troops to relocate to the second-floor bathroom. The retreat was described as “orderly and dignified,” with troops maintaining formation as they marched down the hallway, heads held high.

Administrative Concerns

Principal Harris has since expressed concern over the growing scale of these operations.

“We’ve seen groups of two or three girls heading to the restroom together—that’s normal,” Harris said in a press conference. “But twelve? That’s a platoon. And they’re moving with the kind of strategy that would make the Marines jealous.”

Harris announced plans to implement new hallway traffic protocols, including a possible “bathroom buddy cap” of three students per trip. However, skeptics doubt the effectiveness of such measures against the sheer willpower of Thompson’s battalion.

Aftermath and Future Operations

The battalion returned to class 15 minutes later, victorious and with a newfound unity. Eyewitnesses report that Avery has already begun drafting plans for an even larger-scale operation next week, involving coordinated snack retrieval from the vending machine and a potential foray into the library.

At press time, Avery was seen briefing her squad over Snapchats in the cafeteria, reportedly plotting a synchronized early dismissal maneuver for Friday’s pep rally.

“It’s not just about going to the bathroom,” one anonymous operative explained. “It’s about asserting dominance. And looking cute while doing it.”

 

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