RIVERDALE HIGH, USA –
The quiet calm of fourth-period geometry was shattered yesterday when junior Avery Thompson, Commander-in-Chief of Riverdale High’s famed “Bathroom Battalion,” initiated a daring restroom excursion, mobilizing a small but elite force of teenage girls.
The mission began at precisely 10:42 AM, when Thompson raised her hand and uttered the universally recognized battle cry: “Can I go to the bathroom?” Approval was granted by an unknowing Mr. Cliffton, who is reportedly still recovering from the aftermath.
“Within seconds of her request being granted, the operation
was underway,” Cliffton said. “I thought I’d allowed one student to leave, but
then... they just kept standing up. One by one. It was like watching troops
load into helicopters.”
The initial squadron included Chloe Benson (Lieutenant of
Lip Gloss Logistics) and Maddie Ellis (Chief Strategist of Boy Drama
Intelligence). Additional reinforcements joined along the way, bringing the
total force to an impressive twelve operatives by the time the battalion
reached the north hallway restroom.
A Tightly Run Operation
Witnesses reported that Avery led her troops with precision,
employing advanced hand signals, synchronized hair flips, and the occasional
loud whisper of “Stay close—we don’t want to run into Rachel’s group.”
“Chloe was the first to breach the restroom perimeter,” said
sophomore Ashley Klein, who was caught in the crossfire. “She immediately
claimed the prime mirror spot, while Maddie flanked the stalls to provide
overwatch. It was so coordinated, I thought I’d stumbled into a military
drill.”
Inside, the squad executed a multi-pronged assault:
- Stall
Reconnaissance: Ensuring no rival groups had occupied strategic
stalls.
- Mirror
Domination: Establishing superiority over the sink area for selfies
and lip gloss reapplication.
- Intel
Exchange: Sharing critical updates on who was talking to whom and
whether Josh’s breakup with Taylor was official-official yet.
One freshman operative, clearly shaken but eager to prove
herself, was overheard nervously asking, “Do you think my hair looks okay?”
Reports confirm she received encouragement from Lieutenant Benson in the form
of an eye-roll and a curt “You’re fine. Move.”
Escalation with Rival Factions
Tensions reached a boiling point when a rival faction—led by
senior Rachel Kim—attempted to enter the restroom mid-mission.
“They just stood there, glaring at each other,” said junior
eyewitness Lisa Howard. “It was like the cafeteria standoff all over again. You
could feel the tension.”
Thompson reportedly neutralized the threat by deploying a
classic deflection tactic: loudly complaining about the soap dispensers while
rallying her troops to relocate to the second-floor bathroom. The retreat was
described as “orderly and dignified,” with troops maintaining formation as they
marched down the hallway, heads held high.
Administrative Concerns
Principal Harris has since expressed concern over the
growing scale of these operations.
“We’ve seen groups of two or three girls heading to the
restroom together—that’s normal,” Harris said in a press conference. “But
twelve? That’s a platoon. And they’re moving with the kind of strategy that
would make the Marines jealous.”
Harris announced plans to implement new hallway traffic
protocols, including a possible “bathroom buddy cap” of three students per
trip. However, skeptics doubt the effectiveness of such measures against the
sheer willpower of Thompson’s battalion.
Aftermath and Future Operations
The battalion returned to class 15 minutes later, victorious
and with a newfound unity. Eyewitnesses report that Avery has already begun
drafting plans for an even larger-scale operation next week, involving
coordinated snack retrieval from the vending machine and a potential foray into
the library.
At press time, Avery was seen briefing her squad over
Snapchats in the cafeteria, reportedly plotting a synchronized early dismissal
maneuver for Friday’s pep rally.
“It’s not just about going to the bathroom,” one anonymous
operative explained. “It’s about asserting dominance. And looking cute while
doing it.”
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