LONDON — In a landmark move that has sent ripples of polite, yet deeply uncomfortable, shock across the United Kingdom, Prime Minister Rishi Sunak has signed the "Hospitality and Excessive Warmth (Prohibition) Act" into law, effectively outlawing what has been termed "Southern Hospitality."
The controversial legislation targets any form of domestic or public behavior deemed "unnecessarily effusive, excessively accommodating, or suggestive of an unearned familiarity between relative strangers."
In a press conference held outside 10 Downing Street—which concluded precisely 2.5 minutes after it began—the Prime Minister defended the measure. "For generations, the British people have understood that a simple, non-committal nod and a murmured 'alright' is the zenith of social interaction," he stated, adjusting his tie with the barely-perceptible flicker of anxiety that defines the national character. "This imported 'Southern Hospitality,' with its insistence on 'sweet tea,' multiple side dishes, and the sharing of one’s emotional interior, is a clear and present danger to British stoicism. It simply cannot be allowed to stand."
The new law provides a lengthy list of newly-criminalized offenses, including:
The Unsolicited Beverage Refill: Any attempt to top up a guest's drink without their explicit, written request. (Penalty: Up to 6 months in a politely firm prison.)
The Overly Descriptive Meal: Describing one's cooking as anything more elaborate than "a bit of a thing I threw together." (Penalty: Compulsory viewing of four continuous hours of The Great British Bake Off.)
The Unnecessary "Bless Your Heart": Using this phrase or any variant that conveys a complex emotion beneath a veneer of false pity. (Penalty: Confiscation of all ornamental china.)
Insistence on Staying: Telling a guest who has clearly signaled their departure that they "must stay for just a little bit longer" or "take a plate to go." (Penalty: Forced migration to a county north of the Watford Gap.)
Chief Inspector Alistair Mumble of the newly formed "Polite Enforcement Squad" confirmed that his teams were already active. "We have reports of a homeowner in Kensington who offered a plumber not one, but two biscuits. One digestif and one hobnob. The utter lack of discipline is appalling," Mumble reported, visibly wincing at the thought. "Our officers intervened, ensuring the plumber was able to resume his work in silence and without the crushing social burden of having to select a biscuit."
When asked how the police would manage to enforce such an abstract law, Mumble explained: "It's all about the duration of the eye contact. If it exceeds 1.5 seconds, we consider that a 'Hostile Warmth Encounter' and intervention is warranted."
Across the pond, American Southerners expressed confusion. "You mean they don't want a little slice of this pecan pie? Bless their hearts," commented one baffled lady from Georgia, reportedly holding her hand over her mouth in an attempt to stifle the naturally occurring kindness, a move that could now land her in a British gaol.
At press time, the Home Office issued a final, terse statement: "The public is reminded that the correct and acceptable amount of warmth to show anyone, under any circumstances, is zero."
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