HEAVEN
In an unprecedented celestial ceremony, God has officially expanded the Ten Commandments, adding an eleventh rule to the ancient tablet during a divine signing ceremony attended by the heavenly hosts.
The new commandment states: "Thou shalt not consume Cane's chicken when a Chick-fil-A establishment lies within 1,000 feet of thy presence (except on the Sabbath)." This divine decree reportedly aims to protect Chick-fil-A's market share in mall food courts while promoting the "miraculous healing properties" of their signature honey mustard sauce.
According to celestial sources, violators of this sacred ordinance will face strict consequences: they must sacrifice their firstborn chicken on Easter Sunday, a punishment that has already ruffled feathers among the faithful.
"We believe this amendment to the original commandments will bring order to the chaos of fast-food chicken consumption," declared Archangel Michael, Head of Divine Public Relations. "Plus, it really helps with the lunch rush."
When asked about the controversial exemption for Sundays, heavenly representatives pointed out that it was "technically impossible" to violate the commandment on that day anyway, given Chick-fil-A's famous policy of remaining closed on Sundays.
The stone tablet is expected to be unveiled at a ceremony next week, once the divine stonemasons finish chiseling in the new drive-thru regulations.
Comments
Post a Comment